It is said that one things that TCKs and MKs struggle with greatly is a sense of identity. Really, this is true of most of us. Most of us hang our identity on things that ought not define us. But unlike most people TCKs and MKs are often wrenched away from the things that they thought defined them, in the midst of their formative years.
I looked at my 4 year old daughter today and asked, “Who are you?”
“Momma!” she said with a rising and falling tone of light hearted exasperation. “I’m your daughter.”
“Yes. But who are you outside of my daughter? Other than being my daughter, who are you?”
She flopped back on the couch and wiggled around some as she thought.
“I’m a PNG girl,” she said. And then she froze. “And I can’t go home. I’ll never go home again. And I miss my village friends.” And then she began to cry.
4 years old and already has an identity crisis. And even if we hadn’t have left Papua New Guinea, she never was and never could be a PNG girl.
How do you deal with misplaced identity?
- Validate the emotion
This is basically the first step in everything. Even if you don’t agree, you can find a way to empathize with the feeling. “That’s hard” is a really good generic affirmation of heavy emotion without making a judgement call on anything.
Ex: “I want to be a pony!” “That’s hard.”
“I wanted to be the prima ballerina for like 5 minutes and the person who’s been training for year got the spot instead of me!” “That’s hard. I often get frustrated when I’m not the best at something right away.”
“I’m a PNG girl who can’t go home.” “That’s hard. I miss the village, too.” - Discuss inherent worthiness
Behind a lot of misplaced identity is a feeling of unworthiness. We use labels to explain our value as human beings rather than recognizing that we’re valuable inherently. But we are created beings and image bearers of God himself. Loved by God, we’re valuable regardless of anything else. This is a truth that needs to be repeated often because it is painfully human to want to pin our value on what we do or the labels we find for ourselves. - Pinpoint where they belong
Identity really hinges on knowing where we belong. (Belonging is also a big buzzword among TCKs and MKs.)
Talk about where they belong:
-in the family
-in the community
-in the universe
The biggest gifts you can give a child in regards to this is:
– responsibility: give them a tangible way where they make a meaningful contribution to the household.
– a voice: let them be heard and respected in family discussions
– unconditional love: They know that they are loved. It’s not enough for you to believe it or believe it’s obvious. They must believe it. And not just because “you have to love family.”
– security: that they know that nothing they say or do will cost them your love or respect. Again, it’s not enough for you to believe it. They must believe it.
Ask the question today. And next month. And the next month. Let identity check ups be a regular part of your mental health check in for yourself and for your kids. It’s ok if they cry. Honestly, it’s good that they cry, because that means that they have grief that still pains them and you just gave them space to start processing it. Circle back around that on occasion and give them the time and space that they need to shed every tear that they feel needs to be shed.
